How to Improve Self Confidence, Self Esteem and Overcome Fear of Rejection (part 2)

How to Build Self Confidence Overcome the Fear of Rejection

Self-confidence is often eroded by the fear of rejection. Such fear immobilizes people, by preventing them from making something out of their lives.

All of us have a need to be loved, cherished and protected as we are social creatures. Our self-confidence takes a beating when these basic need is not met, often leaves people with a feeling that their very existence is threatened, causing them to be filled with a sense of hopeless.

For most people, rejection means that they are no good, unlovable, causing their self-esteem/ self confidence to shrink into nothingness. The truth is that boundaries between self and others are blurred, and this leads to distortion in perception of self and autonomy. We, as individuals, crave for attention, happiness and wealth, and most of the time these three things are tied up together in our wish lists.

Factors that limit Self-Confidence

Can self-confidence be dependent on others? To answer this question, we need to understand from where this need arises. We have the innate need to be loved and accepted from the moment we are born as helpless babies. We need others to look after us and protect us, but this continues even as we grow up and establish ourselves in the world. Children are constantly looking for approval from parents. Teens are looking for approval from peers and members of the opposite sex. Grown-ups are looking for approval from their superiors, peers, and also from the society at large.

There is a constant need for approval in every human being. When we tie our happiness to approval from others or success or wealth, we have already set the limits on our happiness, satisfaction or capabilities. We limit ourselves to the expectations and opinions of others. We are constrained to work within these set parameters to achieve our goals. The truth is that we need neither approval, nor success nor wealth to be truly happy.

Abraham Maslow places self-actualization on the highest rung in the hierarchy of needs. The two aspects of self-actualization are independence of culture and environment. To put it simply, this means that self-actualized individuals are not dependent on the world or the people or the culture to be satisfied. In other words, a self-actualized person has his locus of control within himself and not beyond. This self-confident person does not require approval from society, peers or superiors, but makes decisions independently based on his/her own rational thinking and his/her value system.

Improving Self-Confidence and Self-Esteem

When an individual gives too much importance to what others say or feel about them, they automatically devalue their self-worth. Such individuals have programmed their mind into thinking that they are worthless and that their ideas or opinions are worth nothing, while other people and their ideas are the only ones worth considering. When having such a program in their mind, it only works towards undermining their self-confidence and levels of productivity. This kind of negative thinking process does not allow for any positive outcome. They set themselves up for failure and unhappiness.

Individuals with low self-esteem/ self-confidence may often aspire to be someone else; they dress up, speak like and identify with people or personalities whom they consider to be successful, happy or popular. These individuals actually deny or disparage their own existence by trying to be people they are not and never will be.

People with low self-confidence conforming to what others expect of them because they want their approval. Their lives are lived based on the desires or aspirations of parents or partners or even friends. Sometimes, people take it to such a level that they try to gain the approval of even people who are dead – living by "what would mother or father have to say about this?"…etc.

Understand Fear of Rejection Improve Self-Confidence

• People who seek approval and live in fear of rejection, they hardly exercise a will of their own. They are rarely able to decide what they want for themselves. Their whole lives are sacrificed at the altar of pleasing people.
• People who harbor fear of rejection have a very high need for approval and are often non-assertive. They tend to take up more than their share of work and end up doing everyone’s work. They become everyone’s messenger boy or errand boy.
• Most newspapers the world over carry news of suicides or attempted suicides every day. An important cause for such drastic action is a real or imagined loss, like the breakup of a romantic relationship, rejection by friends, loss of self-esteem or extreme hopelessness.
• Fear of rejection, and need for approval also leads to various problems like anxiety, phobias, problems in relationships, dysfunctional family relationships, non-assertiveness, low self–esteem, depression, substance abuse etc. which could undermine the emotional health and physical health of the person.
• Life is a constant chain of adjustment with the real world around us, the people we live with, our desires and aspirations and - through it all-evolving our own personal identity and self-confidence.

How to Improve Self-Confidence?

To increase self-confidence you need to understand your behavior.

Why do you do the things you do?

Do you do what others expect you to do most of the time?

Do you focus a lot on impressing others, more than being comfortable yourself?

Is being popular important to you?

Do all your plans have to get the nod of approval from others before you put them into action?

Do you decide based on your rational thinking, beliefs and value system or based on what your friends or significant other want you to do?

Is handling negative feedback or criticism very difficult and emotionally disturbing for you?

How to Improve Self-Confidence and overcome fear of rejection

If most of the answers are in the positive, you need to reconsider your system of thinking.

• It is important to understand that when a person rejects your ideas, it just means that the person does not subscribe to your views; to take that as rejection of self is personalizing another person’s opinion.
• Secondly, not everyone is going to celebrate you; as you don’t celebrate everyone. Find a place where you are valued and work in that environment.
• You need to understand that your life is your responsibility, and you need to be happy and fulfilled. You need to make your own decisions and stick by them.
• Stop worrying about what others think; they have their own lives to lead.
• It is okay to be who you are and enjoy yourself.
• The opinions of others has a place, but you need to set your boundaries right. What they think is their business, as it is based on their understanding of life.
• Your autonomous decision-based facts, your value systems and your priorities would not only motivate you to achieve more but will help you evolve as a healthy independent individual.
• Take up projects which are in tune with your values and beliefs and where you passion lies. This way is a great way to keep your focus on the task and overcome the fear of rejection and fear of failure. As you experience success, your confidence will increase.
• Learn to be assertive. It helps you express yourself clearly.
• Balance your life, adopt a win-win formula in relationships with others, a natural give and take will bring back the balance and cause healthy relationships to blossom.
• Learn to validate yourself, use positive affirmation or power affirmations or positive thoughts and statements frequently.
• Never give up on yourself; you need to believe in yourself at all times! You will be soon be looking at yourself in a different light.